My Pen Pal Journey and Photo Journal

By Jackie Flaherty (January 2011)

Many people seem to have fond memories of pen pals they’ve had in their lives. Like most, I started pen palling as a young adult. Growing up, I was always drawn to pen, paper and writing and getting mail.

I had two pen pals for many years; Helen Ku from Japan and Cheryl G from Sheboygan, WI. I’m not sure how we originally got in contact, but my guess is a magazine ad for pen pals.  We kept in contact from fifth or sixth grade through my first years in college. The letters became fewer until they dwindled down to nothing and we lost touch.

I took a break from pen palling for quite a few years. This was in the early 1980s and I had moved away to go to college and was writing to my family- parents, my sister in the army, 2 grandmothers, 3 cousins and a handful of friends. (As a side note, my mother saved most of the letters I had sent to her and dad. She gave these to me shortly before she passed away in 1999. It was a wonderful surprise since I had not known that she had saved them. What a pleasant stroll down memory lane as I read the drama that was my life from 18-30. Equally cool was seeing the old addresses; each representing a chapter in my life).

I returned to pen palling in the late 1990s, but most of those pals centered around our shared hobby of rubber stamping and card making. Once I went to graduate school from 2002-2004, I put all of that on hold. After some hits and misses I ended up with a wonderful group of six lady pals (Christi, Dorothy, Jane, Martha, Patricia, Vikki) and one gentleman (Victor, who passed away last February). I still write to all of the gals and have added a few since starting my blog.

One thing I have found much enjoyment in doing is keeping a scrapbook of the photos and postcards my pen pals have sent over the years. The scrapbook is filled with pictures of scenery, pets, kids, cars, flowers, paintings, advertisements just to give you some idea. It’s almost full now and after just a few more items I will have to look at starting a second scrapbook to continue the journey. I feel blessed to have such caring and devoted pals. Here’s to many more years of continued friendship in the mail!

Pen Pal Correspondence

(By Jackie Flaherty Nov. 2010)

Finding the right pen pal isn’t always as easy as it sounds. People seeking pen pals usually begin with a list of interests and hobbies that are shared, but even then, there can be differences that don’t allow for easy, free flowing conversations.

Multiple factors lead to enduring long distance friendships or short blips of interaction along the path of finding these friendships.  Here are three areas to consider; expectations, personality and letter style.

Expectations

Why do you want a pen pal? What are your expectations? What are you looking for? Are you looking for mail? Friendships? Learning about other cultures?  Stamps for your collection? Someone to share your hobbies with?  How many pen pals do you want and why? It’s important to have some idea why you are pursuing this venture so that you can make sure your needs are being met for what you are looking for.

If you’re a long letter writer and expect the same, then you should state that in your introductory letter. If once a week or every other week frequency is important to you, then let that be known. This is not to say that you need to dictate your needs and expectations in your introductory letter. Just be aware of your expectations and realize that your pen pal also has their own expectations.

Personality

Even if you have many hobbies in common, your personality will also play a factor. Included in personality are political, religious and other topics you may feel very strongly about. You may have no intention of discussing these in letters, but possibly your opinions are revealed unconsciously and in inconspicuous ways. This will not matter if your correspondent has no opinion or agrees with you, but when they are diametrically opposed, there could be hard feelings or a sudden end to the letters.

If you are not happy with a pen pal you’ve acquired, it’s always polite to let them know if you need to stop corresponding. You don’t need to give the exact reason if you’re not comfortable doing so, but there is no reason to not to write and tell them something. Here are some ideas:

• Too many pen pals
• Not enough time to devote
• Looking for someone with closer viewpoints in the area of  (fill in)
• Not feeling the connection you were looking for
• Diametrically opposed views/not comfortable

Whatever reason you give, make it close to the truth and put the blame on yourself- your needs, your expectations. Now, imagine you are receiving this letter. Are you hurt, disappointed, relieved? Really try to make it so that the recipient understands.

Letter Style

Included in this section on style; tone, balance, and frequency. Tone is comparable to your voice volume. Are you loud and domineering or are you in your conversation mode? Are you negative and depressing or uplifting and positive? What makes a good letter to you? How can you emulate that while still being true to who you are?

Balance is important so that you create a conversation and not just a monologue. Try not to dominate the letter with all good things or all bad things going on with you. Be sure to respond to questions/interests/happenings that your pen pal wrote about in the letter they wrote to you.

Frequency is also important. After the initial introductions when your letters have laid a foundation of epistolary friendship, then you build a rhythm of frequency.  It doesn’t matter if it’s once a week or once a month, what matters is the consistency. If you, or your partner, change frequency, it’s a good idea to send a postcard or short letter to check in and make sure all is OK.  Or, if you are the delinquent party, then you should do the same and send a short note that you’re behind and will be in touch when you can.

Sometimes one person assumes the other has stopped writing for whatever reason and they don’t bother to check. Was their last letter received? Was your last letter received (maybe they think you are the one who stopped corresponding)? Maybe something has happened? Why assume the worst? Isn’t your friendship worth the effort to confirm what happened? Sometimes it’s not and that says something too.

When seeking pen pal friendships it’s important to know what you are looking for, be yourself and be considerate.

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Places to Find Pen Pals

Inky Trail News- Inky Trail is a bi-monthly pen pal newsletter that has been around since 1992.  For more information you can visit Wendy’s website. There are sample copies you can get for $2 or $3 and if you submit an article for publication, you can earn free copies. Wendy also offers a free e-newsletter.

Letter Exchange – This newsletter, published three times a year allows you to keep your mailing information confidential by utilizing the Lex number mailing system.  Their website offers links to many letter themed news articles and stories.

We Love Snail Mail- This site was created for people to sign up and send mail to others on the site. They offer a blog and a forum as well.

International Pen Friends- This service costs $25-$35 for an annual subscription which includes a list of names as well as your name going to other subscribers.

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Pen Pals Stories on NPR

Three different stories of unusual pen pal relationships from the archives of ‘This American Life‘ on NPR.

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30+ Years of Pen Pals

by Patricia Hogan

I owe my love of letter writing, in great part, to Mrs. Emily Dieson, my seventh grade English teacher.  Mrs. Dieson was a second generation American with roots in Norway.  Each September she would return to her classroom with photos of fjords and fair-haired cousins and tales of the long Norwegian summer holidays.

Perhaps the need to stay in touch with family inspired her passion for writing letters that she strove to instill in us.  Her curriculum included learning to write a personal letter.  We were given the address of the International Friendship League and instructed to obtain the name of a pen pal and write an introductory letter.  There were a few boys who sneered at the idea until they realized that getting into the eighth grade depended upon submitting the introductory letter to Mrs. Dieson.

I, on the other hand, was completely enchanted with the idea.  Why hadn’t I thought of it earlier?  I longed to travel and dreamed of visiting England, Spain, Germany.  I wanted to know how people lived in other countries.  How were twelve year old girls in Germany different from twelve year old girls in California?  How were we the same?

Ursula

My first pen pal was Ursula who came from Frankfurt.  I learned about one of the differences in the lives of German and American children when an early letter from Ursula included a photo of her first day of school.  She held the traditional bouquet of flowers presented to her by her parents.  What a charming custom!  The photo also showed war damaged buildings in the background.

There were many similarities, though.  We liked the same kinds of music and exchanged phonograph records.  I still know some of the words to two or three German pop songs from the 50′s.  We shared fashion concerns (angora sweaters, poodle skirts and the more petticoats the better), trepidation about first romances, and similar dreams for the future.

Ursula and I were best-friends-by-mail for several years until a husband and new baby demanded her time so that she eventually stopped writing.   A few years later when I traveled in Germany I debated looking her up, but decided not to.  Instead, I remembered our friendship as a perfect thing for its time and treasured it for what it had been.

Friedhelm

I did meet another German pen friend on that trip. His name was Friedhelm and he was married to Ursula (apparently a common name in Germany). They introduced me to their friends and took me around their part of the country.  I have many wonderful memories of them and that time;  fondue parties, a cruise on the Rhine, a visit to Cologne cathedral.

I reciprocated a few years later when Friedhelm and Ursula along with her brother Hans visited me.  I conducted a tour through eight states. The highlights of our trip: a Las Vegas show, a tour of Hoover Dam, the Grand Canyon and the Petrified Forest. A visit to the Great Salt Lake and Mormon Square. A trip to CO and the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. Next was Little America in Wyoming and  then a stop in Taos, New Mexico.  It culminated in Alma, Nebraska where Friedhelm revisited the family who had hosted him when he had been an exchange student.  Our return trip to my home in Santa Monica included a drive across the Golden Gate Bridge and a tour of San Francisco.

I eventually lost contact with Friedhelm and Ursula, too, but I’ll always remember their pleasure and mine in that trip that came about because of the miracle of letters.

Hazel

Not all pen friendships end in loss, however.  I’ve written to Hazel in the UK since 1970 and have been through her divorce, the birth of my daughter, job difficulties, health problems, career triumphs, the deaths of parents, the joys of gardening, theater and travel; all through letters.  Over the years we have exchanged several visits.  I have met some wonderful people through Hazel, including Shirley who married one of my cousins.

Hazel has visited more U.S. states than I have and in 1981 we decided to visit Montana together.  Hazel came to my place in CA and we were going to drive to my cousin’s place in Montana along with my mother and daughter. Then Hazel’s friend, Shirley, who drove down from Toronto to meet Hazel at our home  was stranded due to the air traffic controllers’ strike of the 1980s.  We invited Shirley to join us and that’s how four adult women, a five year old child, and a peke-a-poo named PrissyJane found themselves in a Chevy Malibu en route to Montana.  We had a ball!  And one of us found sweet, if fleeting, romance; all through the miracle of letters.

Rhonda

Rhona, who has lived in Ashampstead near Reading since we started writing thirty years ago, is another friend who began as a pen pal.  We, too, have exchanged several visits over the years.  Rhona’s daughter Alyson now lives in Colorado.  Our most recent visit occurred when Rhona and her husband, Bob, flew to visit Alyson’s family in Colorado.  Then Alyson, her husband and two children, Rhona and Bob piled into Alyson’s SUV and visited us here in Sacramento.  A trip to the city zoo, a long afternoon on the Sacramento River, late night card games, a visit to a brewery and lots of laughs were highlights of that visit; all because of the miracle of letters.

I have some newer pen pals, too.  I’ve written to Jeanie in Ohio only since the 1980′s, to Bonney in Wisconsin since the early 90′s, and to Martha in Florida since the mid-90′s.  Jackie, in Minnesota, is my most recently acquired pen pal and we “met” via mail through Martha.  A wonderful new friend, all through the miracle of letters.

Martha has visited me here in Sacramento a couple of times and now exchanges occasional notes with my “in person” friend, Sue.  I certainly no longer think of Martha as “just a pen pal”.  Her letters of support meant a great deal to me when I went through a long illness.  Sometimes her words were just what I needed to help me through the day.  Ah, the miracale of letters.

On a particularly bleak day, when I didn’t have the strength to hold a book to read, a card from Jackie lifted my spirits.  The illustration showed a red-haired, pig-tailed, freckle-faced girl reading on what you knew was a long, summer afternoon.  As I wrote to Jackie, I once was that girl, and the card made me smile.  The miracle of mail!

So thank you, Mrs Dieson, for introducing me to the pleasures of letter writing.  Thank you pen pals, past and current, for all the joy you’ve given me over the years with your words of wisdom, wit, challenge, and comfort.  Thank you to those I’ve met in person and to those whom I’ve known only through the miracle of letters.  Perhaps it isn’t such a bad thing to be “just a pen pal”; some of my best friends are pen pals.

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Articles

A Pen Pal Story (April 15, 2010)

Soldier Visits Student Pen Pals ( April 15, 2010)